Vampires Suck (by Greg)

Vampires Suck is the latest so-called comedy from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. For anyone familiar with their previous work (Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans) I could end my review there and you'd know everything you need to know. But if you can be bothered to read my blog, I might as well say a little more.

This parody rehashes the the first two Twilight movies with even more one-dimensional knock-offs of all the characters (the male protagonist is called Edward Sullen, that's how little thought they put into the movie.) Teen angst is replaced with fart jokes and out-of-place celebrity references (Lady Gaga, Jersey Shore, the Kardashians, Black Eyed Peas, exactly what you'd expect.) Vampires Suck is the worst kind of unfunny. You can make better jokes off the top of your head as you watch, and things that were funny on their own in the original, like the blatant abstinence propaganda and awful CG wolves, are rendered unfunny by bad jokes.

What's worse is that as a parody it only solidifies Twilight as a pop-cultural fad. If you hate the Twilight series, don't be suckered into this movie on the promise of getting to show your disapproval of an idiotic trend. You're only giving Twilight more attention than it deserves. I guarantee you that two thirds of this movie's fanbase will be Twilight fans desperate to pretend that they're in on the joke.

The Twilight series is a goldmine of unintentional comedy. Vampires Suck, despite being called a comedy is completely devoid of laughs. And what good is a parody that's less clever and less funny that the material it tries to make fun of? If I wanted to laugh at Twilight, I'd watch Twilight.

Final Score (out of 5 sets of fangs)